PASTORAL HARBOURS
Recognising harm. Rediscovering freedom. Finding a way forward.
Helping people recognise unhealthy religious environments, understand spiritual abuse and explore a healthier way forward.
When church becomes a place of hurt rather than healing
Churches and Christian communities should be places where people experience love, encouragement, spiritual growth and healthy relationships. Sadly, that isn't everyone's experience.
Some people encounter religious environments where fear, manipulation, excessive demands or the misuse of spiritual authority gradually undermine their confidence, wellbeing and relationship with God. Sometimes the problems are immediately recognisable. At other times, unhealthy patterns develop gradually, making it difficult to distinguish genuine Christian discipleship from inappropriate control.
If you've experienced something like this, you may be questioning what happened, reconsidering teachings you previously accepted or struggling to trust church leaders and Christian communities.
Pastoral Harbours exists to provide information, biblical reflection and pathways to appropriate support for people navigating these experiences.
My hope is that these resources will help you recognise potentially harmful patterns, consider what Scripture actually teaches and make informed decisions about your own circumstances.
You don't have to rush that process or arrive at particular conclusions about your faith.
"There is no fear in love;
but perfect love casts out fear."
1 JOHN 4:18
A personal note
My own Christian journey has included some wonderful experiences of God's love, genuine discipleship and meaningful relationships with Christians from different backgrounds.
However, I've also encountered aspects of Christian ministry and leadership that caused me to reconsider what I had been taught about spiritual authority, submission, discipleship and the relationship between individual believers and their leaders.
Some of those experiences were difficult to understand at the time and eventually led to some of the darkest nights of my faith journey. To my astonishment, what had been presented as biblical submission and Christian service eventually raised concerns among those investigating my circumstances about the potential exploitation amounting to modern day slavery. And, as painful as my own experiences were, I subsequently became aware of others who had endured deeply distressing circumstances. It helped me recognise that these issues could extend far beyond what I had known.
Despite considerable anxiety, and with the courage I could find, I began to study Scripture more carefully, seek wider perspectives and consider the difference between healthy biblical leadership and unhealthy religious control. Those experiences also helped me appreciate just how deeply our spiritual environments can affect our emotional wellbeing, relationships and understanding of God.
But perhaps the most important discovery came through those difficult times. As God held me and I began to know Him more deeply, I discovered that He is far more loving, merciful and compassionate than I had ever imagined. He truly is the Good Shepherd. And, the church I serve helped me to see that people can be kind, supportive, loving and truly Christlike.
As someone who now carries pastoral and organisational leadership responsibilities myself, I recognise that Christian leadership does involve genuine authority and accountability. However, I believe that authority should always be exercised responsibly, remain open to appropriate scrutiny and reflect the character of Jesus.
My purpose isn't to suggest that every demanding church is abusive, that every difficult leader is dangerous or that genuine Christian discipleship should never involve correction, sacrifice or accountability. Rather, I want to help people recognise when those things are being distorted into something harmful.
I also recognise that my personal experiences cannot provide all the answers. That's why Pastoral Harbours brings together biblical teaching, research, professional safeguarding guidance and resources developed by independent organisations and others with lived experience.
My hope is that people will find information, encouragement and appropriate support as they consider their own circumstances, make sense of their experiences and begin to find a way forward.
Above all, my hope is that the failures of people will never prevent someone from discovering the extraordinary love and compassion of the God who is love.
What is spiritual abuse?
Spiritual abuse generally involves harmful behaviour within a religious or spiritual environment in which faith, religious teaching or spiritual authority is misused to manipulate, coerce or control others. It can involve psychological and emotional abuse, particularly where people are pressured into obedience, threatened with spiritual consequences or discouraged from questioning those exercising authority.
One of the difficulties is that people living within these environments may not even recognise that something is wrong. Unhealthy practices can develop gradually and become normalised, particularly when they're presented as biblical discipleship, submission to spiritual authority, personal sacrifice or faithfulness to God. Over time, people may begin to doubt their own judgement or feel that questioning their leaders is equivalent to questioning God Himself.
Spiritual abuse is not a separate category in UK legislation. However, the harmful behaviours involved may constitute recognised forms of emotional or psychological abuse and can raise serious safeguarding concerns. The important consideration isn't simply whether a particular church has some unusual beliefs, high expectations or strong leadership. It's how authority is exercised, whether people retain meaningful freedom and whether there are persistent patterns of coercion, fear, exploitation or harm.
Healthy Christian leadership should help people grow in their relationship with God, not make them increasingly dependent upon, or fearful of, those who lead them.
Six warning signs worth understanding
Spiritual authority without accountability
Leaders present their interpretations, decisions or revelations as effectively unquestionable. The leader has no real or meaningful accountability, safeguarding or oversight.
Isolation and dependency
Members are discouraged from seeking outside advice, reading other books, maintaining relationships beyond the group or consulting other Christian leaders or professionals.
Silencing questions and complaints
Reasonable questions are discouraged. Those who raise concerns may experience humiliation, intimidation, exclusion or pressure, and may be portrayed as rebellious.
Fear, guilt and shame
People are repeatedly motivated through fear of judgement, spiritual failure, being cast-away or losing God's favour rather than being encouraged towards mature, informed faith.
High demand and control
The organisation seeks inappropriate influence over personal relationships, finances, employment, family life or decisions. Excessive commitment to workload and schedules.
Spiritualising harmful behaviour
Harmful conduct is excused through appeals to God's calling, spiritual warfare, submission, the supposed greater good of the ministry or divine authority of its leaders.
These themes reflect recognised characteristics discussed in specialist safeguarding guidance. They are indicators to explore, not a diagnostic scoring system. One warning sign doesn't necessarily establish that a church or ministry is abusive. Context, severity, frequency, patterns of behaviour and the impact on individuals all matter. The distinction lies partly in whether authority is accountable itself and whether it serves people's wellbeing and spiritual growth or becomes a means of inappropriate domination.
Terminology
Distinguishing faith from harmful practices
My concern isn't with religious commitment, Christian discipleship or spiritual authority themselves, but with the ways these can be misused to manipulate, exploit or control others. Spiritual abuse can occur within churches and ministries that sincerely identify as Christian, even where much of their teaching may be biblically sound. The important distinction is not simply what an organisation believes or calls itself, but how those beliefs are applied, how authority is exercised and whether its practices reflect the character and teaching of Jesus.
What does the Bible actually teach?
1. Leadership
Authority should reflect the character of Jesus - Matthew 20:25–28
Jesus challenges His disciples' understanding of greatness and authority, contrasting the way worldly rulers exercise power with the servant-hearted leadership He expects among His followers.
His words, "Yet it shall not be so among you" (NKJV), are particularly significant. The idea of leaders lording their authority over others should be completely foreign to Christian leadership. Instead, Jesus presents Himself as the example: He came not to be served, but to serve.
Christian leadership involves genuine authority and responsibility, but these must be exercised in a manner consistent with the character of Jesus. Authority should never become an excuse for domination, manipulation or personal gain. Rather, it should be exercised with humility, love and a genuine commitment to the wellbeing of those being led.
2. Pastoral responsibility
Shepherding without domination -1 Peter 5:1-4
Peter instructs church leaders to shepherd God's people willingly, with humility and by example, rather than seeking personal gain or exercising inappropriate control. Echoing Jesus' teaching, he emphasises that leaders must not lord their authority over those entrusted to their care.
The passage recognises genuine pastoral authority and responsibility while establishing clear expectations about how that authority should be exercised. God's people are entrusted to leaders; they do not belong to them. Pastoral leadership is therefore a responsibility to care for, protect and serve others, recognising that every shepherd is ultimately accountable to Jesus Christ, the Chief Shepherd.
3. Personal faith
Supporting rather than controlling faith - 2 Corinthians 1:24
Paul describes his ministry as working alongside believers for their joy rather than exercising dominion over their faith. He recognises that their faith rests in Christ and that his responsibility is to encourage and strengthen them, not to replace Christ's authority with his own.
This provides an important perspective on the relationship between Christian leaders and those they serve. The aim of spiritual leadership should be to help people grow in faith and experience lasting joy in Christ, not to become dependent upon their leaders. Paul's example reminds us that healthy Christian leadership involves working alongside people, encouraging their spiritual maturity and helping them stand firm in their own relationship with God.
4. Discernment
Examining teaching against Scripture - Acts 17:10–12
The Bereans are commended for receiving Paul's teaching with openness and eagerness while carefully examining the Scriptures to determine whether what they heard was true. Their example demonstrates that genuine faith and keen examination belong together.
If the Bereans were commended for examining the teaching of the Apostle Paul, surely the teaching of any modern-day Christian leader should be open to the same scrutiny. Asking questions, seeking understanding and testing what we hear against Scripture should be encouraged rather than treated as rebellion or a lack of faith.
Healthy Christian leadership welcomes biblical examination and recognises that no leader or ministry is above correction. Our ultimate commitment should always be to God's truth rather than unquestioning loyalty to any individual, organisation or particular interpretation of Scripture.
5. Christian freedom
Freedom through love, not religious bondage - Galatians 5:1, 13
Paul teaches that Christ has set believers free, urging them to stand firm in that freedom rather than return to spiritual bondage. However, he also explains that Christian freedom isn't an excuse for selfishness. Instead, it gives us the opportunity to love and serve one another.
Our freedom in Christ came at a tremendous cost. It should never be surrendered to man-made religious rules, unnecessary demands or systems of control that Scripture does not require. This distinction is important. Biblical freedom doesn't remove our responsibility to obey Christ, pursue holiness, love others or exercise wisdom. However, Christian discipleship should never become a system of fear, coercion or unquestioning obedience to human authority.
In its original context, Paul was addressing attempts to make observance of the Mosaic Law necessary for justification. His teaching also reminds us that we are justified by faith in Christ, not by religious performance or additional rules imposed by people. Healthy Christian leadership should help believers stand firm in the freedom Christ has given them.
6. Submission and Accountability
Resepct with mutual responsibility - Hebrews 13:7, 17-18
The letter to the Hebrews encourages believers to respect and cooperate with their spiritual leaders, recognising that those leaders have a genuine responsibility to watch over and care for them. However, the passage also makes something equally important clear: leaders themselves are accountable to God for how they exercise that responsibility.
Biblical submission should never be confused with unquestioning obedience or surrendering personal discernment. In the wider context, believers are encouraged to consider the example and faith of their leaders. The writer also emphasises the importance of a clear conscience and honourable conduct. This is consistent with the wider biblical teaching that Christian leadership should be exercised through godly example rather than domination.
Healthy Christian leadership involves mutual responsibility. Believers are encouraged to respect and cooperate with those entrusted with their spiritual care, while leaders must exercise their authority with humility, integrity and accountability.
Hebrews 13:17 should never be used to silence legitimate concerns, excuse harmful behaviour or place a leader beyond appropriate scrutiny. Genuine biblical submission does not remove a believer's freedom to ask questions, exercise discernment or seek appropriate help when something is wrong.
Mutual responsibility does not mean equal responsibility when abuse occurs. Leaders carry additional responsibilities because of their position and influence. Someone experiencing spiritual abuse should never feel that their biblical responsibility to respect leadership obliges them to remain silent or continue in an unsafe environment.
When spiritual control enters marriage - Ephesians 5:21-33
Unhealthy religious control can extend beyond church leadership into marriage and family relationships. In some Christian environments, biblical teachings about marriage, submission and spiritual authority can be misinterpreted or misused to justify controlling behaviour, silence legitimate concerns or discourage someone from seeking help and accessing safe, independent pastoral support.
One example is the instruction for wives to submit to their husbands. When isolated from its wider biblical context, this teaching can be distorted into an expectation of unquestioning obedience, leaving someone believing that resisting controlling behaviour, expressing disagreement or seeking outside support would somehow be disobedient to God.
However, Paul's teaching in Ephesians 5 also addresses submission within Christian relationships and calls husbands to love their wives with the sacrificial love demonstrated by Jesus Christ. Although Christians hold different theological interpretations of marital roles, no interpretation should ever be used to justify intimidation, coercion, violence or the mistreatment of a spouse.
Within marriage, coercive control can involve restricting someone's relationships, controlling finances, monitoring their activities, sexual coercion or using religious beliefs to manipulate their decisions. These behaviours may constitute domestic abuse even where physical violence is absent.
Christian teaching about forgiveness, submission or preserving marriage should never be used to pressure someone into tolerating abuse, remaining silent or returning to an unsafe relationship. Nor should pastoral care become another means of exerting pressure on someone who is already experiencing controlling behaviour.
A healthy Christian marriage should reflect love, dignity, mutual care and respect, not fear, domination or control.
Someone experiencing domestic abuse should not be made responsible for resolving it through greater submission, additional prayer or a willingness to forgive. The person engaging in abusive behaviour remains responsible for their actions, and the safety of those affected must take priority. Where domestic abuse is suspected, independent specialist advice should be sought rather than automatically arranging joint pastoral counselling or mediation.
Finding a way forward
You don't have to resolve everything immediately
Questioning a church, ministry or leader that has played an important part in your life can be difficult. For some people, leaving a religious community involves losing friendships, familiar routines, a sense of belonging and even confidence in their understanding of God.
You may have questions about what happened, whether you made the right decisions or how to approach your faith in the future. I've experienced something of that confusion myself, and I know these questions aren't always easily answered. There isn't one process that everybody needs to follow, and each person's journey to freedom and healing is their own.
It may be helpful to seek independent advice, reconnect with trusted relationships and give yourself time to consider your experiences without additional pressure.
If you're currently experiencing intimidation, threats or other potentially abusive behaviour, your immediate safety and access to appropriate support should take priority. You don't need to confront someone, return to an unsafe environment or participate in a reconciliation process simply because another person expects it.
Professional support can also be valuable, particularly when your experiences have affected your mental health, relationships or everyday functioning. I have no shame in sharing that I spent time with a Christian therapist myself. Seeking appropriate professional help and drawing upon your faith don't have to be competing choices.
If you wish to explore your relationship with God again, that can happen at a pace you're comfortable with. You may need time to distinguish God's character from the ways people have represented Him. Equally, appropriate support should never depend upon your willingness to return to a church, restore a particular relationship or adopt certain theological conclusions.
Forgiveness, reconciliation and rebuilding trust
Forgiveness, reconciliation, accountability and the rebuilding of trust are closely related, but they're not interchangeable.
Christians sometimes experience pressure to demonstrate forgiveness by immediately restoring relationships with people who have harmed them. However, forgiving someone doesn't automatically mean that reconciliation is possible, appropriate or even safe.
I remember experiencing the pressure of phrases such as "Do not judge," "Do not touch the Lord's anointed," "Forgive" and "Submit." While these expressions draw upon biblical teachings, they can be misapplied to silence legitimate concerns, discourage people from questioning authority or place the responsibility for reconciliation disproportionately upon those who have been harmed. Meanwhile, the person exercising spiritual authority may often face considerably less scrutiny or meaningful accountability.
Scripture should never be used to protect leaders from legitimate accountability or pressure those who have been harmed into remaining silent. Biblical forgiveness does not mean ignoring wrongdoing, abandoning discernment or pretending that trust has been restored. Rebuilding trust requires more than expressions of regret. Genuine repentance should be accompanied by taking responsibility, demonstrating meaningful and sustained changes in behaviour and accepting appropriate accountability. Even then, reconciliation may not always be possible or safe.
You can pursue forgiveness without surrendering healthy boundaries, restoring trust prematurely or returning to an unsafe environment. These distinctions deserve further exploration, particularly how Scripture addresses forgiveness, repentance, reconciliation and the responsibilities of Christian leaders. I intend to develop additional biblical and pastoral articles to help people navigate these questions.
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Independent support and recommended resources
You don't have to navigate these experiences alone. Several independent organisations provide specialist information, safeguarding advice, peer support and professional resources for people affected by spiritual abuse and unhealthy religious environments.
I've brought together some organisations and services that may be helpful, depending on your circumstances. Some provide direct support, while others offer information, research or guidance. These organisations operate independently of Pastoral Harbours. Please explore their individual websites to understand the support they provide and how to access it.
Pastoral Harbours is a personal ministry initiative developed by Darren Roy, drawing on his own experiences, ministry and commitment to promoting healthy Christian environments.
It aims to provide biblical reflections, information and links to independent resources. It is not a crisis service, specialist counselling service or replacement for professional safeguarding advice. If you have concerns about your immediate safety or that of another person, please contact the appropriate emergency or safeguarding services.